I have rewritten the scene that I was not happy with. I feel this revision is more true to James' character and follows the flow of the plot better.James at School – Alternative Scene
- The bell rings and James makes his way out with the other children. He is walking behind a group of boys and girls.
- The group walks ahead of him on the same route he takes home. They walk for some time. The group is talking loudly, laughing and joking.
- As they reach the road where James lives, they see Alan walking towards them in his familiar fashion.
- Alan walks on the inside of the pavement, staying close to the boundaries of the properties fronting the street.
- As the group pass him, they make threatening comments and someone throws an empty plastic drink bottle at Alan’s head. He cowers and then breaks into a run.
- Alan runs past James who has witnessed the whole scene. Feeling concerned, James involuntarily calls out to Alan.
- Alan keeps running for a while further before settling into his usual hunched walk.
- James turns and sees the group standing and laughing at Alan. Someone shouts a comment at James and then they turn and walk on.
- James turns again to watch Alan walking into the distance.
I can see the images. I feel Alan's inner pain. I want to know more. :)
ReplyDeleteyeh...I reckon James isn't likely to have 'mates'...so this fits much better and James' response to Alan is more empathetic and carries the plot further...
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree this was better. I think James character is less complex and "confusing". Maybe you lose a bit of the complex and real story, but you don`t have to explain who James friend is, finding an small and credible role for him and at the same time make the story real, short and easy to understand.
ReplyDeleteIf you had written a novel that would be great with a friend to gain perspective on storry. But as this is for a movieI suppose that is important to cut down to aminimum of characters to avoid "dead links".
Excellent!
Looking forward to the continuation.
By the way, maybe you should make a novel of this story...
MSF
Hi Miriam. I agree, I have honed down the story to key characters and what I want to portray visually. I guess I'm not a great reader myself so the thought of writing a book seems a bit of an arduous task. However, my opinion is that some of the best films are based on novels as writing a book enables you to develop characters with depth and a well structured, flowing story both of which are the basis for a good film. So my step outline/screenplay needs to follow the "rules" of a good book. A film is after all a visual story.
ReplyDeleteAnd visual it is too!
ReplyDelete